AI unravels ancient scroll of Epicurean pleasures

Modern Relics is a newsletter about the religious and esoteric side of internet culture.

Apologies for not posting last week — it was just Too Damn Hot to do brainwork. This week I'm a little late because I've been doing some preparation for some exciting work stuff I'll link to shortly! Please subscribe so you don't miss out!!

In the time I've been gone, Stanley Cups have been found to contain lead. The company says it's all sealed away and won't cause any harm, but some consumers aren't having it. Unsure what this means for Mormon culture.

New ancient philosophy just dropped

Nature reports that researchers have used AI to decipher the text of charred papyrus scripts found 275 years ago in Herculaneum. Now, using a robot homunculus to unlock the secrets of an ancient scroll really does seem like a good way to fall victim to an eldritch curse, but in this case it just seems to be an Epicurean reflection on life's pleasures, like music, capers and the colour purple. Phew!

It's by far the most successful attempt at reading the scrolls to date, with the added bonus that it doesn't destroy them in the process. Try not to think about all the scrolls that were ruined during previous attempts. The exciting thing about it is we probably know whose house this is and the kinds of things he had in his big scroll library. There's also probably a whole other level to the library that hasn't been dug up yet. Maybe we will recover some lost texts! Needless to say, Classical Studies eggheads are pretty jazzed.

Bible verse insults

Cite chapter and verse and drag their ass.

Bluesky is no longer invite-only

If you would like to follow me on Bluesky, you can find me here. I post selfies sometimes.

Vision Pro personas

Apple released its new Vision Pro augmented reality headset. Something I hadn't thought about is when you're in a video call with the computer strapped to your face, how do the people you're speaking to see you? Apple have 'solved' this by scanning users' faces and creating 'personas' which are then animated in real time. They look uncanny. Anyway...

"The old and new jepstaments"

News about the Pizza Hut church

Remember the Pizza Hut church? I have some bad news: It was never a Pizza Hut.

I know I know, I'm just as upset as you. "X" user @JohnDamonDavis decided to find out who was worshipping at the Pizza Hut church and if they were aware of the meme.

He discovered that Trinity Faith Fellowship in Jamestown, Indiana was never a Pizza Hut, but was in fact a pharmacy and ice cream parlour before being converted into a place of worship. The pastor there was also blissfully unaware that his congregation had made the rounds in Orthotrad circles.

Apparently, The Temple Church Of Faith in North Carolina really was a Pizza Hut once, so if you want to attend Pizza Hut church you probably want to go there.

VeggieTales communism

Thanks to Josh who put this in the Discord.

What Salt Lake City’s streets tell you about its relationship to the US government

If you know anything about me, you know I bloody love a Mormon. The history of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is practically my Roman Empire. The other day I was having a bath and I thought to myself, "I wonder if there are any Mormons in France", and look!

This video is about the size of city blocks in Salt Lake City, which is largely built on a grid, and what it says about the history of the city and the Church's sometimes tense relationship to the US government. There's a parallel universe where Brigham Young actually did create a theocracy in the State of Deseret, which is something you can actually do in the game Victoria III. As it stands though, the LDS Church is on track to lose its majority in Utah as more non-LDS move in and Americans become less religious overall.

Sometimes they just won't get out of there

Thanks for sending this one Travis.

Britney said "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy"

I'm not obsessed with clothes, I'm just an elegant man of taste

Reminds me of Neo Yokio.

Ok that's it from me this week. Things are still a bit hectic for me, so updates might be spotty, but I'll do my best to keep posts as regular as they can. If you'd like to be a guest contributor for Modern Relics, please feel free to pitch me! Audience submissions and guest posts are a huge help and always welcome.